Lost and Found

by Ataraxia

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03:21
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05:50
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07:06
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05:08
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02:20
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05:12
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02:47
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03:58
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about

ALBUM DOWNLOAD INCLUDES
- Full digital gapless play album
- 46 page digital booklet with extra written content, lyrics, and artwork

This album is a closely linked collection of tracks produced in the last two years, from the middle of 2017 to the middle of 2019. Together, they tell a story of ego and self-deprecation, of love and loss, of friends and enemies, of harm and recovery, and the process of self-realization.

1 - We all walk the road.
2 - We all ask unanswered questions.
3 - We all want to know what's behind our eyes.
4 - We all are full of jealousy and resentment without knowing why.
5 - We all profane our own work.
6 - We all fall down.
7 - We all hurt ourselves and each other.
8 - We all see one another's hearts for what we think they are.
9 - We all spin circles around things we can't seem to get away from.
And - 10 - we all move on. Sooner or later. We do.

This is not my favourite album. It might not be your favourite album. I can see so many flaws in my own work I don't know where the flaws end and the artistry begins.

But it's mine.

For once I've produced a complete work without external forces assisting in my creative vision.

And that is something I am immensely proud of.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to LOST AND FOUND, time you could have spent doing something—anything—else. I hope these tracks can mean more to you than they ever could to me. I hope you can see yourself inside the rhythms, I wish for you to create your own narratives around these lyrics.

Thanks for spending your time with me.

-emmy

credits

released June 27, 2019

All tracks produced, mixed, mastered, recorded, and performed by Ataraxia (Emmy Pehrson)

Female vox on track 6 recorded by Sarah Speckmaier

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Ataraxia Vancouver, British Columbia

Hi, I'm Emmy. I play piano, sing, and produce electronic music. Thanks for coming to check some of it out!

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Track Name: Paravoyant
Obsessive, compulsive
Like nothing really even mattered

Where did you come from?
Where will you lead?
Is the feeling beginning to alter you?

When did this start?
How will it end?
Are you beneath the bottom now?
Is she still your friend?

And now we return
You think it’s the start
But you won’t ever see past all the weight inside your heart
Something’s growing from your path

(And when you fall)
Your eyes glaze over
(Your hands are tearing at the walls)
Your eyes glaze over
Where did you go? How could you cope?
Was your vision clear through all of the smoke?
How could you run? What could be done?
I can see that the end has already begun

Obsessive, regressive
Like everything was fake

When did this start?
How will it end?
Can you please show me truth
Instead of playing pretend

And now we return
You think it’s the start
But you won’t ever see past all the weight inside your heart
You hear the tongues?
They’re screaming out your faults

(And when you fall)
Your eyes glaze over
(Your hands are tearing at the walls)
Your eyes glaze over
(Your eyes are glazed, your eyes are glazed)
Where did you go? How could you cope?
Was your vision clear through all of the smoke?
How could you run? What could be done?
I can see that the end has already begun

Where did you go? How could you cope? (Your eyes glazed over)
Was your vision clear through all of the smoke?
How could you run? What could be done? (Your eyes glazed over)
I can see that the end has already begun
Track Name: Anaphora
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path until you die
I’ll burn a path inside you

Watch as I twist and turn
My features blur through the light
The Sirens echo, their voices raised
Carrying what they’ve learned
It’s not enough to make it right

And still they whisper about our sorrow
Set their course into a darker tomorrow
And maybe you are just afraid to see the change

I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path inside your mind
I’ll be a path until you die
I’ll burn a path inside you

And oh, this is your terror
My words are nothing but a mirror,
A story that I can finally move along
And oh, you’ll be sorry
When you’re foundering alone with nobody
To pull you up or prove you wrong

So let me prove you wrong

Your space is frozen
We lay without a sound for the dark
And through the howling wind only one thing’s clear:
That I have lost my way
And missed my mark
I’ve missed my mark

And still they speak in tongues about the lonely ones
Who have fallen far behind
And with voices raised everyone obeys
But I can’t scream

Oh, this is your terror
My words are nothing but a mirror,
A story that I can finally move along
And oh, you’ll be sorry
When you’re foundering alone with nobody
To pull you up or prove you wrong

So let me prove you wrong

(But inside those harshest eyes, I can see galaxies (I can see galaxies)
Was I everything you imagined me to be?
Could I?)
Track Name: Sudo
Jealousy disguised
Jealousy disguised
Jealousy disguised
Disguised—

Is it fate?
Or is it fortune?
I can see years
Petrified in this beholding,
I’ve one last piece of the past
I hold it tight, I hold it fast
Fast

Jealousy disguised
Jealousy disguised

Is this real?
This fucking madness?
I can see tears,
Memory clouds the skies and seas of blackness
And I’ve one last time to collapse
Paravoyant dream, no turning back
(Make it real, make it fast)

And with this lifetime,
I feel conflicted
So many wrong turns—
They leave me pitted
I’m not in control,
I’m just a visage
I’m not in control,
I’m jealousy disguised

I’m jealousy disguised

So am I new again?
Digging for the details again?
Like I didn’t even learn the last time
I was caught in a trap
Of humanity and pride,
And it won’t stop tearing me apart
On the inside

And with this lifetime,
I feel conflicted
So many wrong turns—
They leave me pitted
I’m not in control,
I’m just a visage
I’m not in control,
I’m jealousy disguised

Oh, oh, oh
I’m jealousy disguised

I don’t feel right
Oh, I don’t feel right
Oh, I don’t feel right anymore

Oh, I don’t feel right
Oh, I don’t feel right
Oh, I can’t feel right anymore

And with this lifetime,
I feel conflicted
So many wrong turns—
They leave me pitted
I’m not in control,
I’m just a visage
I’m not in control,
I’m jealousy disguised

Oh, oh, oh
I’m jealousy disguised

Oh, oh oh
(Oh, I don’t feel right anymore)
Oh, oh, oh
(Oh, I can’t feel right anymore)

I’m jealousy disgui—
Track Name: Hallway
(Behind, dead)

What’s too much?
I guess I never understood it myself
Like none of this ever happened
Like the posters and artwork and music I’ve made
Somehow made everything okay
Again

(Dead)

We could have a new dichotomy
We could be anything we wanted

And in those harshest eyes
I can see…—
Track Name: Spirals
(What time is it?)

Stay and starve the pain
Stay and starve the pain

(It’s like I can’t even remember how my hands are supposed to feel.)

Stay and starve the pain
Stay and starve the pain

Feed the mind we all fall down to
Feed the mind we all fall down to
Grieve, to grieve
Feed the mind we all fall down to
Feed the mind we all fall down to
Grieve, to grieve

I grieve for myself tonight
(Dead, dead)
Under weight so heavy
It is all my own
Every struggle a remnant of history
Yet still so real to me

(Feed the mind) I can’t keep feeling like I’m dead inside
(We all fall down) In an empty space with our hearts beating wrong
(Feed the mind) That I used to force myself to justify

We all fall down
And I need to leave these parts of me behind
Behind

(I guess it’s just one of those things, you know?
You think you’re getting better and it just—)

Stay and starve the pain
Stay and starve the pain
Feed the mind (I can’t keep feeling like I’m dead inside)
Stay and starve the pain
We all fall down (An empty space with our hearts beating wrong)
Stay and starve the pain
Stay and starve,
Stay and starve
Track Name: Chemical Witch
I can remember
A steady rush of air through the space around me
The space around me
So distant, so cold
So far within the unknown inside my head
Thinking I’d be better off dead

I wonder what it meant to me
I let it speak to me at night
And drag me down below the covers
Play hide and seek with the trust of others
And now it’s here to stay

Only a liar
Could ever hope to make amends
Behind closed doors
(Behind those doors)
It’s only just enough
To get us through just one more day
But is it strength?
Will I pay?

I wonder what it meant to me
I watched you catch the falling stars
And let them sing me to the shadows
Without a thought for things that follow
I gave it all away

While the sky burns ever darker
Colours fly above my head
Force dreams into my eyes
While I wish they’re real instead
And the sunrise turns to sunset
And I’m held captive in this need
Watching silence turn to shadows
While she waits to see me bleed

I’ve dragged blades across my flesh
And let it heal
(I’ve let it heal)
And now I leave myself asking how
How your hands hurt below the skin
How your words couldn’t be figured out

I wonder what it meant to me
I laid awake and tried to hide
How everything just made my mind race
With all the questions I could find
And through the turmoil I could feel it
That I did at least one thing right

While the sky burns ever darker
Colours fly above my head
Force dreams into my eyes
While I wish they’re real instead
And the sunrise turns to sunset
And I’m held captive in this need
Watching silence turn to shadows
While she waits to see me bleed

While she waits to see me bleed
While she waits to see me bleed
While she waits to see me bleed
While she waits to see me bleed
Track Name: Erasure
I walked
Until I could walk no longer

The ocean stared back
Into my shore-bound soul

And as I watched the waves crashing
One thing stood clear
Above the rest

I stared back at the truth
And the truth
Was everything I had left

(And there I saw your heart
Through luminous waters)
Track Name: Ringularity
(Floating into darkness, I feel you move)
(It takes my breath away)

Floating into darkness, I feel you move
Your hands play tricks on me, woah
And every other time we’ve touched I’ve known
I’ve known what you meant to me,
Somatically, I—

I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
I should be thinking
You’re sure no better
Don’t pull me up
Don’t make me ever feel better
I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
And maybe you could have made me feel that way
(Circles, better)

I never was a liar, I never proved to you
That I couldn’t be afraid
You made me feel that way
And every second longer made me understand
That I could have never known your hand
And now I gotta show you that I—

I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
I should be thinking
You’re sure no better
Don’t pull me up
Don’t make me ever feel better
I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
And maybe you could have made me feel that way
(Circles, better)

I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
I should be thinking
You’re sure no better
Don’t pull me up
Don’t make me ever feel better
I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
And maybe you could have made me feel that way
(Circles, better)

Could you make me feel that way
If all this left us faceless?
Anything, anything?

I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
I should be thinking
You’re sure no better
Don’t pull me up
Don’t make me ever feel better
I shouldn’t fake it
I should know better
I’m going round in circles
Spinning forever
And maybe you could have made me feel that way
(Circles, better)

I shouldn’t fake it
(I shouldn’t fake it)
I should know better
(I should know better)
I’m going round in circles (Circles)
Spinning forever
I should be thinking
(I should be thinking)
You’re sure no better
(I’m sure no better)
Don’t pull me up
Don’t make me ever feel better (Better)
I shouldn’t fake it
(I shouldn’t fake it)
I should know better
(I should know better)
I’m going round in circles (Circles)
Spinning forever

And maybe you could have made me feel that way
Track Name: Starlight (Moving On)
(We’re touching down
We’re touching down)

It wasn’t me that you really wanted
Right from the start
An understandable mistake
It wasn’t this that you really needed
Inside your heart
Feel your chest begin to quake

Now I move onto my next life
Try it to see it fit right on me
Yeah this fits right to me
And still I slip back to my old ways
Leave some room for the bad days
But I’ll see what will come to be
Move onto my next life
Try it to see it fit right on me
Yeah this fits right to me
And still I slip back into old habits
Feel those bumps where you inhabited me
Where you inhabited me

We’re touching down
Above solid ground
Open your eyes to those fragile skies
Where starlight surrounds

We’re touching down
We’re touching down
Where starlight surrounds
Where starlight surrounds

It wasn’t you I was really escaping
When we fell apart
I knew that something had to break
It wasn’t anything I thought was worth saving
But was too soon to depart
Too late to pretend this was for all your own sake

So I’ll move on
Onto my next life
After falling down
From the heights of this love
With eyes set
Set on the sights of my own strife
It’s enough, it’s enough

We’re touching down
We’re touching down
Where starlight surrounds
Where starlight surrounds

Wherever you’re found
I hope you’re safe where you’re found
Just open your eyes to those fragile skies
And let your fears down

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