Lost and Found

by Ataraxia

/
1.
03:21
2.
05:50
Obsessive, compulsive Like nothing really even mattered Where did you come from? Where will you lead? Is the feeling beginning to alter you? When did this start? How will it end? Are you beneath the bottom now? Is she still your friend? And now we return You think it’s the start But you won’t ever see past all the weight inside your heart Something’s growing from your path (And when you fall) Your eyes glaze over (Your hands are tearing at the walls) Your eyes glaze over Where did you go? How could you cope? Was your vision clear through all of the smoke? How could you run? What could be done? I can see that the end has already begun Obsessive, regressive Like everything was fake When did this start? How will it end? Can you please show me truth Instead of playing pretend And now we return You think it’s the start But you won’t ever see past all the weight inside your heart You hear the tongues? They’re screaming out your faults (And when you fall) Your eyes glaze over (Your hands are tearing at the walls) Your eyes glaze over (Your eyes are glazed, your eyes are glazed) Where did you go? How could you cope? Was your vision clear through all of the smoke? How could you run? What could be done? I can see that the end has already begun Where did you go? How could you cope? (Your eyes glazed over) Was your vision clear through all of the smoke? How could you run? What could be done? (Your eyes glazed over) I can see that the end has already begun
3.
07:06
I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path until you die I’ll burn a path inside you Watch as I twist and turn My features blur through the light The Sirens echo, their voices raised Carrying what they’ve learned It’s not enough to make it right And still they whisper about our sorrow Set their course into a darker tomorrow And maybe you are just afraid to see the change I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path inside your mind I’ll be a path until you die I’ll burn a path inside you And oh, this is your terror My words are nothing but a mirror, A story that I can finally move along And oh, you’ll be sorry When you’re foundering alone with nobody To pull you up or prove you wrong So let me prove you wrong Your space is frozen We lay without a sound for the dark And through the howling wind only one thing’s clear: That I have lost my way And missed my mark I’ve missed my mark And still they speak in tongues about the lonely ones Who have fallen far behind And with voices raised everyone obeys But I can’t scream Oh, this is your terror My words are nothing but a mirror, A story that I can finally move along And oh, you’ll be sorry When you’re foundering alone with nobody To pull you up or prove you wrong So let me prove you wrong (But inside those harshest eyes, I can see galaxies (I can see galaxies) Was I everything you imagined me to be? Could I?)
4.
05:08
Jealousy disguised Jealousy disguised Jealousy disguised Disguised— Is it fate? Or is it fortune? I can see years Petrified in this beholding, I’ve one last piece of the past I hold it tight, I hold it fast Fast Jealousy disguised Jealousy disguised Is this real? This fucking madness? I can see tears, Memory clouds the skies and seas of blackness And I’ve one last time to collapse Paravoyant dream, no turning back (Make it real, make it fast) And with this lifetime, I feel conflicted So many wrong turns— They leave me pitted I’m not in control, I’m just a visage I’m not in control, I’m jealousy disguised I’m jealousy disguised So am I new again? Digging for the details again? Like I didn’t even learn the last time I was caught in a trap Of humanity and pride, And it won’t stop tearing me apart On the inside And with this lifetime, I feel conflicted So many wrong turns— They leave me pitted I’m not in control, I’m just a visage I’m not in control, I’m jealousy disguised Oh, oh, oh I’m jealousy disguised I don’t feel right Oh, I don’t feel right Oh, I don’t feel right anymore Oh, I don’t feel right Oh, I don’t feel right Oh, I can’t feel right anymore And with this lifetime, I feel conflicted So many wrong turns— They leave me pitted I’m not in control, I’m just a visage I’m not in control, I’m jealousy disguised Oh, oh, oh I’m jealousy disguised Oh, oh oh (Oh, I don’t feel right anymore) Oh, oh, oh (Oh, I can’t feel right anymore) I’m jealousy disgui—
5.
02:20
(Behind, dead) What’s too much? I guess I never understood it myself Like none of this ever happened Like the posters and artwork and music I’ve made Somehow made everything okay Again (Dead) We could have a new dichotomy We could be anything we wanted And in those harshest eyes I can see…—
6.
05:12
(What time is it?) Stay and starve the pain Stay and starve the pain (It’s like I can’t even remember how my hands are supposed to feel.) Stay and starve the pain Stay and starve the pain Feed the mind we all fall down to Feed the mind we all fall down to Grieve, to grieve Feed the mind we all fall down to Feed the mind we all fall down to Grieve, to grieve I grieve for myself tonight (Dead, dead) Under weight so heavy It is all my own Every struggle a remnant of history Yet still so real to me (Feed the mind) I can’t keep feeling like I’m dead inside (We all fall down) In an empty space with our hearts beating wrong (Feed the mind) That I used to force myself to justify We all fall down And I need to leave these parts of me behind Behind (I guess it’s just one of those things, you know? You think you’re getting better and it just—) Stay and starve the pain Stay and starve the pain Feed the mind (I can’t keep feeling like I’m dead inside) Stay and starve the pain We all fall down (An empty space with our hearts beating wrong) Stay and starve the pain Stay and starve, Stay and starve
7.
I can remember A steady rush of air through the space around me The space around me So distant, so cold So far within the unknown inside my head Thinking I’d be better off dead I wonder what it meant to me I let it speak to me at night And drag me down below the covers Play hide and seek with the trust of others And now it’s here to stay Only a liar Could ever hope to make amends Behind closed doors (Behind those doors) It’s only just enough To get us through just one more day But is it strength? Will I pay? I wonder what it meant to me I watched you catch the falling stars And let them sing me to the shadows Without a thought for things that follow I gave it all away While the sky burns ever darker Colours fly above my head Force dreams into my eyes While I wish they’re real instead And the sunrise turns to sunset And I’m held captive in this need Watching silence turn to shadows While she waits to see me bleed I’ve dragged blades across my flesh And let it heal (I’ve let it heal) And now I leave myself asking how How your hands hurt below the skin How your words couldn’t be figured out I wonder what it meant to me I laid awake and tried to hide How everything just made my mind race With all the questions I could find And through the turmoil I could feel it That I did at least one thing right While the sky burns ever darker Colours fly above my head Force dreams into my eyes While I wish they’re real instead And the sunrise turns to sunset And I’m held captive in this need Watching silence turn to shadows While she waits to see me bleed While she waits to see me bleed While she waits to see me bleed While she waits to see me bleed While she waits to see me bleed
8.
02:47
I walked Until I could walk no longer The ocean stared back Into my shore-bound soul And as I watched the waves crashing One thing stood clear Above the rest I stared back at the truth And the truth Was everything I had left (And there I saw your heart Through luminous waters)
9.
03:58
(Floating into darkness, I feel you move) (It takes my breath away) Floating into darkness, I feel you move Your hands play tricks on me, woah And every other time we’ve touched I’ve known I’ve known what you meant to me, Somatically, I— I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever I should be thinking You’re sure no better Don’t pull me up Don’t make me ever feel better I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever And maybe you could have made me feel that way (Circles, better) I never was a liar, I never proved to you That I couldn’t be afraid You made me feel that way And every second longer made me understand That I could have never known your hand And now I gotta show you that I— I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever I should be thinking You’re sure no better Don’t pull me up Don’t make me ever feel better I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever And maybe you could have made me feel that way (Circles, better) I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever I should be thinking You’re sure no better Don’t pull me up Don’t make me ever feel better I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever And maybe you could have made me feel that way (Circles, better) Could you make me feel that way If all this left us faceless? Anything, anything? I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever I should be thinking You’re sure no better Don’t pull me up Don’t make me ever feel better I shouldn’t fake it I should know better I’m going round in circles Spinning forever And maybe you could have made me feel that way (Circles, better) I shouldn’t fake it (I shouldn’t fake it) I should know better (I should know better) I’m going round in circles (Circles) Spinning forever I should be thinking (I should be thinking) You’re sure no better (I’m sure no better) Don’t pull me up Don’t make me ever feel better (Better) I shouldn’t fake it (I shouldn’t fake it) I should know better (I should know better) I’m going round in circles (Circles) Spinning forever And maybe you could have made me feel that way
10.
(We’re touching down We’re touching down) It wasn’t me that you really wanted Right from the start An understandable mistake It wasn’t this that you really needed Inside your heart Feel your chest begin to quake Now I move onto my next life Try it to see it fit right on me Yeah this fits right to me And still I slip back to my old ways Leave some room for the bad days But I’ll see what will come to be Move onto my next life Try it to see it fit right on me Yeah this fits right to me And still I slip back into old habits Feel those bumps where you inhabited me Where you inhabited me We’re touching down Above solid ground Open your eyes to those fragile skies Where starlight surrounds We’re touching down We’re touching down Where starlight surrounds Where starlight surrounds It wasn’t you I was really escaping When we fell apart I knew that something had to break It wasn’t anything I thought was worth saving But was too soon to depart Too late to pretend this was for all your own sake So I’ll move on Onto my next life After falling down From the heights of this love With eyes set Set on the sights of my own strife It’s enough, it’s enough We’re touching down We’re touching down Where starlight surrounds Where starlight surrounds Wherever you’re found I hope you’re safe where you’re found Just open your eyes to those fragile skies And let your fears down

about

ALBUM DOWNLOAD INCLUDES
- Full digital gapless play album
- 46 page digital booklet with extra written content, lyrics, and artwork

This album is a closely linked collection of tracks produced in the last two years, from the middle of 2017 to the middle of 2019. Together, they tell a story of ego and self-deprecation, of love and loss, of friends and enemies, of harm and recovery, and the process of self-realization.

1 - We all walk the road.
2 - We all ask unanswered questions.
3 - We all want to know what's behind our eyes.
4 - We all are full of jealousy and resentment without knowing why.
5 - We all profane our own work.
6 - We all fall down.
7 - We all hurt ourselves and each other.
8 - We all see one another's hearts for what we think they are.
9 - We all spin circles around things we can't seem to get away from.
And - 10 - we all move on. Sooner or later. We do.

This is not my favourite album. It might not be your favourite album. I can see so many flaws in my own work I don't know where the flaws end and the artistry begins.

But it's mine.

For once I've produced a complete work without external forces assisting in my creative vision.

And that is something I am immensely proud of.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to LOST AND FOUND, time you could have spent doing something—anything—else. I hope these tracks can mean more to you than they ever could to me. I hope you can see yourself inside the rhythms, I wish for you to create your own narratives around these lyrics.

Thanks for spending your time with me.

-emmy

credits

released June 27, 2019

All tracks produced, mixed, mastered, recorded, and performed by Ataraxia (Emmy Pehrson)

Female vox on track 6 recorded by Sarah Speckmaier

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all rights reserved

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about

Ataraxia Vancouver, British Columbia

Hi, I'm Emmy. I play piano, compose/orchestrate, sing, and produce electronic pop music. Thanks for coming to check some of it out!

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